CHINESE SHADOWING STUDIO · ADVANCED
HSK5-6 | Why Do People Look Down on You but Still Contact You? |
Open this lesson in the studio →大家好欢迎收听今天的Mandarin talks Hello everyone, welcome to today's Mandarin Talks.
我是星凡 I am Xingfan
我是安安 I'm An An.
今天我们要聊的话题 The topic we are going to talk about today
可能很多人都有过类似的经历 Many people may have had similar experiences.
有些人明明看不起你 Some people obviously look down on you,
却还频繁联系你 but still contact you frequently
和你来往 and keep you in their circle
这背后到底藏着什么原因呢 What's the reason behind this?
是啊,以前我总觉得 Yeah, I used to think
愿意和自己来往的人 people who are willing to associate with you
就算不是特别喜欢 even if they don't particularly like you,
至少也是认可自己的 at least they recognized me.
但后来慢慢发现 But later I gradually realized
事实可能并不是这样 the fact may not be like this.
就像网上有人说的 As someone said online,
一个人和你交往 A person interacts with you,
跟他心里看不起你 and he looks down on you in his heart
其实并不冲突 doesn't conflict.
确实挺让人意外的 It's really surprising.
那你觉得第一个可能的原因是什么呢 What do you think the first possible reason is?
我觉得很常见的一点是 I think a common point is that
他觉得你好用 he thinks you are useful.
什么鸡毛蒜皮的小事都找你帮忙 They come to you for every little trivial matter.
比如平时动不动就喊你做事 For example, they often ask you to do things.
看起来跟你很熟 They seem to be familiar with you,
还会开几句玩笑 and even make a few jokes.
但真有什么好事 But when something good happens,
从来不会想到你 they never think of you.
重要的场合也不会邀请你 and he won't invite you to important occasions.
觉得你不配 They think you don't deserve it.
这个不配用的挺扎心的 Being told you're 'not worthy' really hits hard.
而且更气人的是 And what's more annoying is that
要是你找他帮个差不多的忙 If you ask him for a similar favor,
他肯定推三阻四 he will definitely refuse.
找各种理由拒绝 and find all kinds of reasons to refuse.
对 Yes.
这种时候你可能就成了他的工具人 At this time, you may become his tool.
工具人就是说 A tool person means
他只把你当成做事的工具 he only sees you as a tool for doing things.
根本不会在意你的感受 and doesn't care about your feelings at all.
一旦你进入这个角色 Once you enter this role,
不管怎么努力 no matter how hard you try,
都很难被他真正尊重 it's hard to be truly respected by him.
我想起之前在网上看到一个帖子 I remember seeing a post online before.
有个女生说他的朋友接了衣服广告 a girl said her friend took a clothing advertisement
就让她帮忙拍照片 Let her help take pictures
每次出门探店 Every time they went out to explore restaurants,
吃饭钱和路费都是AA制 and the meal and travel expenses were shared equally.
但他朋友拿到广告费后 But after her friend received the advertising fee,
这个女生又出钱又出力 the girl paid and worked hard,
却一点报酬都没有 but she didn't get any reward.
心里特别不平衡 She felt very unbalanced.
这确实挺不公平的 This is really unfair.
那个女生想拒绝的时候 When the girl wanted to refuse,
他朋友还说我拿你 her friend said that I took you
当闺蜜才让你帮我的 as my best friend, I let you help me.
你可是我最好的朋友 You are my best friend.
用这些话来哄她 Use these words to comfort her
甚至还哭 and even cried.
搞得她都开始怀疑是不是自己做错了 Making her even doubt if she was wrong.
这就是典型的道德绑架啊 This is a typical case of moral coercion
道德绑架 moral coercion
就是用道德的名义强迫别人做事情 is to force others to do things in the name of morality.
让别人觉得不做就是不对的 making others feel that not doing it is wrong.
这种做法真的很让人反感 This kind of behavior is really disgusting.
评论区有人说的很清醒 Some people in the comments section were very sensible,
说如果这个女生不去帮忙 They said if the girl didn't help,
可能他朋友就不会再理他了 her friend might not talk to her anymore.
这其实就是在利用他的善良 This is actually taking advantage of her kindness
和不好意思拒绝的心理 and the psychology of being embarrassed to refuse.
其实 In fact,
很多人从小受到的教育就是要善良要乐于助人 Many people are taught to be kind and helpful.
但凡事都有个度 But everything has its limits.
过犹不及 Going too far is just as bad as not doing enough
就是说做的太过分了反而会不好 That is, doing too much will backfire.
善良要是没有底线 If kindness has no bottom line,
就会变成被别人利用的弱点 it will become a weakness to be exploited by others.
我有个朋友 I have a friend.
刚毕业的时候在一家国企工作 worked in a state-owned enterprise after graduation,
负责维护单位的办公系统 and was responsible for maintaining the office system.
一开始很多人都调侃他是网管 At first, many people joked that he was the network manager.
他也乐呵呵的答应 and he happily agreed.
平时大家电脑坏了 When people's computers broke down,
本来不归他管的事找他帮忙 they asked him for help with things that weren't his job.
他也从不拒绝 and he never refused.
那后来呢 What happened later?
是不是越来越过分了 did it become more and more excessive?
没错到后来 Yes, later,
很多人连自己本职工作该做的表格 many people even asked him to do the forms
PPT都交给他 and PPTs to him.
还抱怨他做的太慢 and complained that he was too slow.
让自己下班都要等着 and made them wait until they got off work.
终于有一次 Finally,
他被逼急了 he was pushed to the limit
当众拒绝了所有找他帮忙的人 he publicly refused all those who asked for his help.
结果呢那些人是不是很生气 As a result, were those people very angry?
有意思的是 Interestingly,
那些人一句话都不敢说 those people didn't say a word.
而且从那以后 And since then,
再也不敢随意麻烦他了 they never dared to trouble him casually.
这说明有时候你的退让和妥协 This shows that sometimes your concessions
并不能换来尊重 won't earn you respect.
反而会让人觉得你好欺负 but will make people think you are easy to bully.
这里面其实有个心理学上的说法 There is actually a psychological term for this,
叫登门槛效应 called the foot-in-the-door effect.
就是说只要你答应了别人一个小要求 That is to say, as long as you agree to a small request,
后面就可能不得不答应更大的要求 Later, you may have to agree to greater demands
对方在得到满足后 After being satisfied,
也会变得贪得无厌 will become insatiable.
进一步压榨你的善意 and further exploit your kindness.
所以不管是哪种关系 So no matter what kind of relationship,
都应该是相互的 should be mutual.
你不好意思拒绝对方的时候 When you are embarrassed to refuse others,
对方也应该不好意思总麻烦你 the other person should also feel embarrassed to trouble you.
你想着朋友应该互相帮忙的时候 When you think friends should help each other,
对方也得拿你当朋友 the other person should also treat you as a friend
愿意给你回馈 and willing to give you feedback.
人性其实是复杂的 Human nature is actually complex.
如果你总是单向付出 If you always give unilaterally,
别人反而会觉得你上赶着 others will think you are too eager.
就是主动凑上去讨好 that is, you take the initiative to please.
这样很容易被看不起 which can easily be looked down upon.
只有让自己处于平等 Only by being equal
互惠互利的社交关系中 and mutually beneficial social relationships,
才能避免被白嫖 can you avoid take advantage without giving back
就是不付出任何代价就占便宜 That is, taking advantage without paying any price.
也才能交到真朋友 and make true friends.
除了把你当工具人 Besides using you as a tool,
还有一种情况也很常见 there is another common situation.
就是他知道你能忍 that is, he knows you can endure,
所以什么情绪垃圾都往你身上倒 so they pour all their emotional garbage on you.
情绪垃圾就是指负面的不好的情绪 Emotional garbage refers to negative and bad emotions,
比如抱怨愤怒难过这些 such as complaints, anger, and sadness.
有些人就喜欢把这些传给别人 Some people like to pass these on to others.
美国有个心理学教授叫霍金斯 There is a psychology professor named Hawkins in America.
他通过20多年的临床实验 Through more than twenty years of clinical experiments,
提出了能量层级的概念 proposed the concept of energy levels.
意思是和能量层级高的人相处 That is, when you are with people with high energy level,
你会觉得很舒服 you will feel very comfortable.
而那些能量层级低的人 while those with low energy levels
很容易用负面情绪感染别人 easily infect others with negative emotions.
所以我们才经常说 So we often say that
不要靠近那些充满怨气的人 don't get close to those who are full of resentment.
但这种人不会凭空消失 But such people will not disappear out of thin air.
他们总会找能无底线包容他们的人 They will always find someone who can tolerate them.
把负面情绪倒给对方 and pour their negative emotions on others.
我有个大学同学叫娜娜 I have a college classmate named Nana.
她人缘很好 She gets along well with everyone
性格也活泼 has Lively personality
读书的时候经常有人找她聊天 Back in school, people often came to talk to her
跟她分享各种事情 and shared various things with her.
他也很擅长倾听烦恼梳理矛盾 She was also good at listening to troubles and sorting out conflicts.
所以一开始也乐在其中 So she enjoyed it at first.
每天都花很多时间在这上面 She spent a lot of time on it every day.
那时间长了肯定会觉得累吧 After a long time, she must feel tired.
是啊渐渐的 Yes, gradually,
她发现自己的时间不够用了 She found herself running out of time
陪人聊天变成了一种负担 Chatting with others became a burden.
而且因为他名声在外 And because of her reputation,
连陌生人都会打他电话 even strangers would call her.
一打通就开始哭诉 and start crying as soon as they get through.
让她评理 Let her judge
等她好不容易安慰好对方 After she finally managed to comfort the other person
对方下一秒就挂了电话 the other person hangs up the phone the next second.
有时候连句谢谢都没有 Sometimes, they don't even say thank you.
这也太过分了 This is too much.
完全不尊重她的时间和付出 Totally disrespectful of her time and dedication
更可气的是 What's more annoying is that
还有人在背后说闲话 some people gossiped behind her back.
说她爱听八卦 Said she loved to hear gossip
不务正业 and not doing her job.
气得她好几晚都失眠 She was so angry that she couldn't sleep for several nights.
直到后来 Until later,
她为了专心考研 In order to concentrate on the postgraduate entrance examination
手机长期开免打扰 She turned off the phone's Do Not Disturb mode
还搬到了校外住 and moved out of campus.
让那些爱抱怨的人找不到他 making it impossible for those who love to complain to find him.
这才恢复了宁静 Only then did she regain peace
变回了以前开朗的样子 and became as cheerful as before.
娜娜的经历真的挺让人唏嘘的 Nana's experience is really lamentable.
如果你也遇到这种过度共情的情况 If you also encounter this situation of excessive empathy,
就是太容易被别人的情绪影响 you are too easily influenced by others' emotions,
把别人的烦恼当成自己的 and take others' troubles as your own.
可以试试从两个方面改变 You can try to change in two ways.
哪两个方面呢 Which two aspects?
首先不管谁来倾诉 First, no matter who comes to talk,
都要学会隔绝负面能量 you should learn to isolate negative energy
保护好自己 and protect yourself.
社会学中有个泡菜效应 There is a pickled cabbage effect in sociology.
意思是不同种类的蔬菜 It means that different kinds of vegetables
泡在同一个缸里 in the same jar,
腌制时间久了 After a long time of pickling,
就都会染上同样的味道 will all be infected with the same taste.
面对别人的怨气和吐槽 When facing other people's resentment and complaints,
我们要先抽离出来 we should first detach ourselves
尽量不要带入他们的情绪 and try not to bring their emotions into ourselves.
免得被污染 to avoid being polluted.
就是说 That is to say,
不能因为别人的过错惩罚自己 we can't punish ourselves for others' mistakes,
也不能因为别人的情绪干扰自己 nor be disturbed by others' emotions.
这点确实很重要 This is indeed very important.
其次要设置一个能力开关 Secondly, set a switch for empathy.
学会及时终止共情 and learn to terminate empathy in time.
尊重他人命运 and respect others' fates.
很多人过得一团糟 Many people are in a mess
满肚子牢骚 and full of complaints.
本质上是他们自己的选择 which is essentially their own choice.
而真正能让人醒悟的 But what really wakes people up
往往不是教会 is often not teaching,
而是教训 but lessons.
共情力强的人 People with strong empathy
大多很善良 are mostly kind.
就算知道对方没拿 even if they know the other person doesn't take
自己当朋友 as their friends,
没什么交情 and have no friendship,
一旦被求助 Once they are asked for help,
还是会下意识想帮忙 they still subconsciously want to help.
还会劝自己他都这样了 They will also persuade themselves that
只有我能理解 only I can understand him.
能帮就帮一下吧 Just help if you can.
但要记住 But remember,
能力不该成为负担 ability should not be a burden.
能够做什么 What you can do
不代表必须做什么 doesn't mean you must do it.
这个世界上 In this world,
不是所有人都配得上你的好意 not everyone deserves your kindness.
放下助人情结 Let go of the desire to help.
就是总想着帮助别人 It means always thinking about helping others.
拯救别人的心理 and saving others.
才是对自己最大的负责 is the greatest responsibility to yourself.
除了上面说的两种情况 In addition to the two situations mentioned above,
还有一种人也很常见 there is another type of person who is also common.
就是拿你当背景板 Just use you as a background board
通过拉踩你来凸显他自己的优越 He tries to highlight his own superiority by putting you down
拉踩就是指贬低别人 It means belittling others
抬高自己 and elevating themselves.
这种人真的很让人不舒服 Such people are really uncomfortable.
表面上跟你交好 They seem to be friendly with you,
心里却比谁都看不起你 but they look down on you more than anyone else.
在他们眼里 In their eyes,
你就像一片绿叶 you are like a green leaf.
存在的价值,就是衬托他们这朵红花的高贵 whose only purpose is to make their “red flower” shine.
我之前在杂志上看到一个笑话 I once read a joke in a magazine.
说有人问乞丐你和国王谁更幸福 Someone asked a beggar, “Who is happier, you or the king?
乞丐说"我幸福,因为我今天比旁边的乞丐多要到5块钱 The beggar replied, “I'm happy, because today I got 5 yuan more than the beggar next to me.”
这个笑话虽然简单 Although this joke is simple,
但也说明了一个道理 but it reveals a truth:
很多人的幸福都源自比较 Many people’s happiness comes from comparing themselves to others.
如果只是偷偷比较,倒也没什么 If it's done quietly, that's fine.
但有些人总打着分享的旗号炫耀 But some people use “sharing” as an excuse to show off,
还用朋友的身份 and use the label of friendship
贬低你和你在意的东西 to belittle you and the things you care about.
心理学家武志红分享过一个真实案例 Psychologist Wu Zhihong shared a real case.
小A有个从中学就认识的闺蜜 Xiao A has a best friend she has known since middle school
两人关系一直很好 They have always had a good relationship.
但这段友谊总是处于失衡的状态 But this friendship was always in an unbalanced state.
平日里小A总是处处迁就闺蜜 Xiao A always accommodated her friend,
吃什么玩什么都由闺蜜说了算 letting her friend decide what to eat and what to do,
还承担了大部分花销 and even covering most of the expenses.
就算这样 Even so,
那个闺蜜也不珍惜吧 the friend didn't appreciate it.
是啊,她还是经常贬低小A
说小A脑子不聪明 calling her unintelligent
性格内向 introverted,
没什么朋友 No more friends.
只有自己愿意和她待在一起 and saying that she is the only person who is willing to stay with her
在外人面前还总摆出一副自己是公主 In front of others, she acted like a princess
小A是女仆的样子 while Xiao A was the maid.
这也太过分了 It was outrageous
完全不尊重人 which is completely disrespectful.
她一边把自己打扮的光鲜亮丽 She would dress up beautifully,
一边嘲笑小A灰头土脸 while mocking Xiao A for looking plain
性格怯懦 being timid
处处比不上自己 and inferior to her in every way.
一旦小A不高兴 Whenever Xiao A got upset
她就说都是朋友 she'd say, “We're friends
别开不起玩笑 don't take a joke so seriously
把问题都推到小A身上 She would shift all the blame onto Xiao A.
在这种打压下 Under this constant pressure
小A越来越自卑 Xiao A is getting more and more inferior
觉得真的没人喜欢自己 feeling that nobody truly liked her.
这种人可能有自恋型人格障碍 Such people may have narcissistic personality disorder,
就是心理学上的NPD NPD in psychology.
这种人特征之一 One of their characteristics
就是喜欢榨取别人的精神力量 is that they like to drain others’ emotional energy,
贬低对方的价值 devalue others
从而更好的控制对方 and thereby better control them,
让对方为自己所用 making others serve their own needs.
如果生活中遇到这种人 If you meet such a person in your life
第一选择当然是远离 The first choice is, of course, to distance yourself.
但有时候，有些关系没办法立刻断开 But sometimes, certain relationships can't be cut off immediately.
这时候可以试试心理学上的灰岩策略 At such times, you can try the "Gray Rock"strategy from psychology.
灰岩策略是什么意思呢 What does the Gray Rock Strategy mean?
就是通过无情绪反应 It means responding without emotion
不提供情感价值 offering no emotional rewards
避免冲突 and avoiding conflict.
让对方的攻击和拉踩失去目标 It makes the other person’s attacks and attempts to put you down ineffective,
从而摆脱对方的纠缠 thus getting rid of their entanglement.
这种人不怕你捧着他 They are not afraid of being flattered by you,
也不怕你和他争辩 or arguing with him.
他们最怕的是无趣 What they fear most is boredom,
是得不到情绪价值 they don't get any emotional gain.
所以只要你能做到清醒又坚定 So, as long as you stay alert and firm
冷漠又无趣 indifferent and uninteresting,
就像一块灰扑扑的石头 like a dull gray rock
就能最大程度避免被拉踩 you can minimize being used as their punching bag.
成为对方秀优越的背景板 You become just the backdrop for their display of superiority.
同时也要提防自己因为对方的贬低 At the same time, you should also beware of being
而自我否定和怀疑 and self-denial and doubt.
要尽可能重建自我价值感 Try to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
让自己变好就是最好的证明 Making yourself better is the best proof.
甚至可以说是对他们最好的报复 and even the best revenge on them.
当你变得足够独立强大了 When you become independent and strong enough,
就会发现他们只是无关紧要的人 you will find that they are just insignificant people.
他们的贬低也不过是伤不到你的闲言碎语而已 Their belittling is just gossip that can't hurt you
其实不管是哪种情况 In fact, no matter what the situation is,
核心都是要学会筛选自己的社交圈 the key is to learn to filter your social circle
植物都知道向阳而生 Plants all know to grow towards the sun,
人也应该这样 and so should people.
主动拒绝那些消耗自己,打压自己伤害自己的人 Actively reject those who drain, suppress, or hurt you.
选择那些能温暖自己滋养自己的人 Choose those who bring warmth and nurture into your life.
是啊,只有这样才能收获正向的关系 Exactly—only then can you cultivate positive relationships,
从中获得能量 and gain energy from them.
让自己的生活变得更好 and make your life better.
今天的Mandarin talks Today's Mandarin Talks
我们聊了那些看不起你却还频繁联系你的人的几种心态 We talked about the mindset of people who look down on you but still contact you frequently
以及该如何应对 and how to deal with them.
希望能给大家带来一些启发 I hope it can bring you some inspiration.
上面我们聊了3种看不起你 We talked about three situations where people look down on you
却频繁联系的情况 but frequently contact you.
还有些人说自己也遇到过类似的事 Some people said they have encountered similar things.
是啊有位朋友说 Yeah, a friend said that
他的同事总在聚餐时 his colleague always corrected his pronunciation
当众纠正他的发音 correct his pronunciation in public,
说你这普通话还不如我老家的亲戚 says that "Your Mandarin isn't even as good as my relative's back home"
转头又天天找他帮忙抢优惠券 but then asked him for help to grab coupons every day.
这种矛盾的行为背后 Behind this contradictory behavior,
其实还有更多深层原因 there are more deeper reasons.
今天我们就接着深挖 Today we will continue to dig deeper.
除了之前说的工具人情绪垃圾桶和背景板 Besides the “tool,” “emotional trash bin,” and “background” types we discussed before,
还有一种很隐蔽的情况 there’s a more subtle type
他们需要通过掌控你 They need to control you
来确认自己的存在感 to confirm their sense of existence.
掌控就是控制支配的意思 Control means to control and dominate.
这种人可能在生活中没什么话语权 These people may have little say in their own life
比如在公司被领导批评 For example, they may be criticized by leaders at work
在家被家人忽视 or ignored by family members,
就想在你身上找不回来 They try to regain that sense of power through you.
我表姐的婆婆就是这样 My cousin's mother-in-law is like this.
老人家在小区里和其他阿姨聊天时 When she chats with neighbors,
总说表姐不会过日子 she constantly says my cousin can’t manage daily life
做饭难吃 and cooks poorly.
转头,却每天早上6点打电话叫表姐买早点 Yet, she calls my cousin every morning at 6 AM to buy breakfast
连豆浆放多少糖都要一一交代 even instructing exactly how much sugar to put in the soy milk
表姐不觉得奇怪吗 Didn't my cousin find it strange?
一开始觉得是长辈唠叨 At first, she thought it was just elder nagging.
后来发现,婆婆对小区保安快递员都特别客气 Later, she realized her mother-in-law was polite to the security and delivery staff
唯独对她颐指气使 but bossy and arrogant toward her.
颐指气使 Yizhiqushi,
就是用表情和动作指挥别人,态度很傲慢 means using gestures and expressions to command others, with an arrogant attitude.
有次表姐感冒请假 Once my cousin asked for leave because of a cold,
婆婆居然打了8个电话 her mother-in-law called eight times,
问家里的拖把放哪了 asking where the mop was
酱油瓶是不是你碰倒了 and whether she knocked over the soy sauce bottle.
这其实是把表姐当成了情绪宣泄口 In fact, she used her cousin as an emotional outlet.
通过命令和挑剔来释放自己的压力 She releases her stress by commanding and criticizing.
就像小孩得不到玩具就哭闹 Just like a child who cries when he doesn't get a toy.
这种人在别处受了委屈 these people take out their frustrations on those around them.
就通过掌控身边的人来找回心理平衡 they regain psychological balance by controlling those around them.
心理学上叫权力代偿 Psychologically, it's called power compensation.
代偿就是用一种方式弥补另一种缺失 making up for what's lacking elsewhere.
他们在强者面前抬不起头 Unable to assert themselves with the powerful,
就想在你面前当权威 so they want to be authoritative in front of you.
就是有权利被尊重的人 They are people who have the right to be respected.
这种关系里 In this relationship,
藏着很微妙的上下级错觉 This relationship carries a subtle sense of hierarchy.
他们嘴上可能喊你兄弟姐妹 They may call you “friend” or “sibling” verbally,
行动上却总把你当下属使唤 but always treat you as their subordinate in action.
比如你明明在忙 For example, even if you're busy
他非让你停下手里的事 they ask you to stop what you're doing
帮他取快递 to help him pick up the package.
还说这点小事耽误不了什么 saying it won't take much of your time.
最麻烦的是 The trickiest part is,
他们会用亲近包装这种掌控 they will use closeness to package this control.
我大学室友小林 My college roommate Xiao Lin
他表哥总说咱们是一家人你得听我的 His cousin always says we are family, you have to listen to me
却在小林找工作时偷偷改了他的简历 but secretly changed his resume when Xiaolin was looking for a job.
理由是我这是为你好 claiming, “I'm doing this for your own good.”
后来呢 Later,
小林差点错过面试机会 Xiaolin almost missed the interview opportunity.
等他质问表哥,对方还生气了 When he confronted his cousin, the cousin got angry
说我吃过的盐比你吃过的米多 and said, “I’ve eaten more salt than you’ve eaten rice—would I ever harm you?”
难道会害你 would I ever harm you?
这种用为你好当借口的掌控最让人难拒绝 This kind of mastery using your own good as an excuse is the hardest to refuse
其实应对这种情况有个简单的办法就是反向提问 Actually, a simple way to handle this is to ask counter-questions.
比如他让你帮忙取快递 For example, if he asks you to pick up a package,
你可以说我现在手头有个急活 you can reply, “I'm in the middle of something urgent
你觉得是先弄这个还是先去取快递 should I finish this first or get the package first?
把选择权丢回去 By giving the choice back to them
他的掌控欲就没那么容易得逞了 their desire to control is less likely to succeed.
对,就像面对查户口似的追问 Yes, like being interrogated for census details
与其尴尬回避 Instead of awkwardly avoiding it,
不如反问"你问这个是有什么想法吗" Why don't you ask "What's your idea when you ask this?"
大多数时候 Most of the time.
他们只是享受提问的权利,并不真的关心答案 they just enjoy asking questions, not the answers.
说到这里 Speaking of this
我想起另一种更隐蔽的情况 I think of another more subtle situation.
他们需要你的平庸来衬托自己的成功 They need your mediocrity to set off their success.
但又怕你真的过得太差 but they also fear you doing too badly,
丢了他们的面子 as it would make them lose face.
这就像很多亲戚聚会时 It's like when many relatives get together,
一边打听你的工资 while asking about your salary,
一边说年轻人别太拼,够用就行 while saying, “Young people shouldn’t work too hard; just make ends meet.”
转头却在朋友圈 But they post on Moments
晒自己孩子的名校录取通知书 posting their children's acceptance letters from elite schools.
我姑姑就总对我妈说 My aunt always tells my mom that
女孩子有份稳定工作就好 “A girl just needs a stable job.”
但每次我换工作 But every time I change jobs,
她比谁都积极 she is more active than anyone.
打听新公司的名字和待遇 asking about my new company and salary.
有次我跳槽到一家外企 Once I changed jobs to a foreign company,
她特意打电话来语气特别认真别光看工资高 She called seriously, saying, “Don’t just look at the salary
加班伤身体 overtime harms your health
还是国企好 A state-owned company is better.
这种既要又要的心态 This “wanting it both ways” mindset
本质上 Essentially,
是把你当成了社交名片的一部分 is to see you as a part of their social card.
你的生活不能太好 Your life can't be too good,
否则会显得他们不够成功 or they'll look less successful.
但也不能太差 But it also can't be too bad
否则会让他们在别人面前没面子 otherwise they will lose face in front of others.
就像以前班里的中等生 Just like the average students in the class before,
总喜欢和成绩比自己差的同学玩 always liked to play with those who had worse grades.
又会偷偷模仿尖子生的学习方法 and secretly imitate the learning methods of top students.
他们需要一个安全距离内的参照物 They need a reference within a safe distance
来确认自己的位置 to confirm their position.
这种关系里 In this kind of relationship,
最让人不舒服的是双重标准 the most uncomfortable thing is the double standard.
比如他可以吐槽自己的老板 For example, he can complain about his boss,
却不准你抱怨工作 but not allow you to complain about work.
他可以买打折商品 He can buy discounted goods,
却笑话你精打细算 but mocks you for being thrifty.
我有个朋友遇到过更夸张的 A friend of mine has encountered something even more extreme.
他同事总说旅行就是花钱遭罪 His colleague always said that traveling is just spending money.
却在计划年假时 Yet when planning their annual leave
天天追问去哪住什么酒店 they constantly asked where he was staying and what hotel
还说要是住民宿,记得拍视频我看看 even saying, “If you stay at a B&B, make a video
是不是像网上说的那么差 so I can see if it’s really as bad as online says.”
这其实是一种心理防御机制 This is actually a psychological defense mechanism.
就是通过否定别人的选择 It means by denying others' choices,
来合理化自己的局限 to rationalize his limitations.
他可能也想去旅行 He may also want to travel,
却因为舍不得钱或没时间 but because he is reluctant to spend money or has no time,
就用贬低的方式平衡心理 so they use belittling to balance their psychology.
应对这种情况 To deal with this situation,
最好的办法就是模糊回应 The best way is to respond ambiguously.
比如他说旅行没意思 For example, if he says traveling is boring,
你就笑着说各有各的乐趣嘛 you can smile and say everyone has their own fun.
他打听你的工资 If he asks about your salary,
你就说够吃够喝就行 you can just say it's enough to eat and drink.
不给具体信息 Without giving specific information,
也就没法被比较 so they can't be compared.
说到比较 Speaking of comparison,
还有一种人特别喜欢动态平衡 There is also a kind of person who likes dynamic balance.
当你过得比他好时 When you do better than them
他会刻意疏远 he will deliberately distance himself.
当你遇到困难时 When you're in trouble,
他又会主动靠近 he will take the initiative to approach.
就像潮水一样 Like the tide,
时远时近 sometimes far, sometimes near.
我高中同学梅子就是这样 My high school classmate Meizi is like this.
我刚毕业找工作时 When I was looking for a job after graduation,
他天天约我吃饭 he invited me to dinner every day.
分享各种面试技巧 and shared various interview tips.
后来我进了一家不错的公司 Later, when I got a good job,
她反而很少联系了 She rarely contacts
直到去年我换工作空档期 Until last year, when I was in a job gap,
她 又突然热情起来 She suddenly became enthusiastic again
每天发消息问找到下家了吗 messaging daily, “Have you found your next job?
要不要我帮你问问 Want me to help?
这种势利眼的行为虽然明显 This kind of opportunistic behavior is obvious
但很多人还是会被他们的热心迷惑 yet many still get fooled by their apparent helpfulness.
尤其是在低谷时 Especially when you're down,
有人主动伸出援手 When someone offers help,
很容易就忽略了对方隐藏的优越感 and easily overlook their hidden superiority.
心理学上有个低谷效应 Psychology calls this the “Valley Effect”
说人在失意时 it says that when people are frustrated,
对他人的善意会格外敏感 are more sensitive to the kindness of others,
也更容易原谅对方的小缺点 and more likely to forgive the other's small flaws.
那些人就是抓住了这种心理 Those people just take advantage of this psychology.
在你需要帮助时出现 they appear when you need help.
既显得自己大方 They appear generous,
又能巩固我比你强的认知 and consolidate their superiority over you.
我表哥创业失败时 When my cousin failed in his business,
他发小突然变得特别够意思 his childhood friend suddenly became very helpful.
今天送箱水果 One day bringing a box of fruit
明天请吃顿饭 the next day treating him to a meal,
聊天时总说钱乃身外之物身体最重要 always saying in conversation, “Money is external; health is most important.”
但实际上 But in reality
他发小那段时间刚换了新车 during that time, his friend had just bought a new car
每次开车来接我表哥 Every time he drove to pick up my cousin,
都会特意绕远路经过几个高档小区 They will deliberately take a long detour and pass through several high-end communities
这种带着优越感的帮助 This kind of help, laced with superiority,
比直接的贬低更让人难受 is more unpleasant than outright belittlement.
就像有人一边给你递面包 It's like someone handing you bread while saying
一边说我这面包太多了扔了可惜 “I have too much; it would be a waste to throw it away.
应对这种情况,关键是要保持边界 The key to handling this is to maintain boundaries.
可以接受帮助 You can accept help,
但不必全盘托出自己的难处 but don't reveal all your difficulties.
更不要因为对方的好意就放下戒备 and don't let down your guard because of their kindness.
就像我表哥后来找我说的 As my cousin later told me,
他当时心里清楚发小的心思 he knew what his childhood friend was thinking,
但嘴上还是说多亏有你 but he still said thanks to you.
心里却已经把这个人 but in his heart, he had already
从好友列表里划出去了 he had crossed him out of his friend list.
其实不管是哪种情况 In fact, no matter which situation,
我们都能发现一个共同点 we can find a common point.
这些人从未真正尊重过你 These people have never truly respected you.
他们只是在利用你的某种特质 They are just using some of your qualities
满足自己的需求 to meet their own needs.
对就像商场里的试衣镜 Yes, just like the fitting room mirror in the mall.
他们需要你这个镜子 They need you as a mirror
来照出自己的优点 to reflect their own strengths
却从没想过镜子也有自己的光芒 never considering that the mirror has its own shine.
说到这里 Speaking of this,
可能有听众会问 some listeners may ask
那怎么判断一个人是真的把你当朋友 how to tell if a person really treats you as a friend
还是在利用你呢 or is using you?
其实有个很简单的标准 In fact, there is a very simple criterion.
看他是否愿意换位思考 to see if he is willing to empathize.
换位思考 Empathy
就是站在对方的角度想问题 which means thinking from the other person's perspective.
比如你加班到很晚 For example, if you work late,
真朋友会说注意休息 a true friend will say take care of yourself.
而利用你的人会说正好 while those who use you will say it's just right.
帮我把文件弄一下 to help me with the documents.
我想起之前合租的室友 I think of my previous roommate.
每次我出差 every time I was on a business trip,
她都会让我帮忙带化妆品 She would ask me to bring back cosmetics
说你顺便的事 saying, “It's just a small favor.”
但当我让他帮忙取个快递时 But when I asked him to pick up a package,
她就说我忙着呢 She said I was busy
你自己想办法 You can figure it out yourself.
后来我才发现 Later, I found out that
她对所有人都这样 She does this to everyone
只懂索取不懂付出 only taking, never giving.
这种单向输出的关系,其实很好识别 This one-sided relationship is easy to spot
就像天平一边总在加码 It's like a scale where one side is always adding weights,
另一边却空空如也 while the other side is empty.
早晚会失衡 It will eventually be unbalanced.
除了换位思考 Besides empathy,
还要看对方是否尊重你的边界感 you should see if the person respects your boundaries.
边界感就是每个人心里的底线 Boundaries are each person's inner limits
比如不希望别人打听隐私 like not wanting others to pry into your privacy
不喜欢被强迫做事情 or dislike being forced to do things.
那些看不起你 Those who look down on you
却频繁联系的人 but frequently contact you
往往最缺乏边界感 often lack boundaries the most.
他们会问你一个月挣多少 They will ask you how much you earn a month,
什么时候结婚 when you will get married,
还会说这有什么不能说的 and say“What’s the big deal?
太见外了 Don't be so distant.
我表姐就遇到过这样的亲戚 My cousin met relatives like this
每次见面都要问他为什么还不生二胎 Every time they meet, they ask her why she doesn't have a second child.
还教育他女人结婚了就该以家庭为重 and taught her that women should focus on family after marriage.
表姐反驳几句 When she argued back
对方就说我这是为你好 they'd say, “I'm just looking out for you;
别人谁管你 who cares what others think?
这种打着为你好旗号的越界 This kind of overstepping under the guise of “for your own good”
本质上是不尊重你的选择 essentially disrespects your choice.
真正的关心是你需要我就在 True care means being there when you need me
而不是我觉得你需要 not when I think you need me.
说到这里 Speaking of this,
可能有听众会觉得困惑 some listeners may feel confused.
如果身边有这样的人 If you have such people around you,
到底该疏远还是维持表面关系 should you distance yourself or maintain a superficial relationship?
其实答案取决于你是否感到内耗 In fact, the answer depends on whether you feel exhausted.
内耗就是心里的矛盾和纠结 Mental exhaustion refers to internal conflicts and stress,
比如因为对方的一句话胡思乱想 Such as overthinking over a word from the other person.
因为不想帮忙又不好意思拒绝而焦虑 anxious about not helping but being embarrassed to refuse.
长期内耗 Long-term internal friction
会让人疲惫 can make people tired,
甚至影响身心健康 and even affect physical and mental health.
我之前有个同事 I had a colleague before
总喜欢在背后说我坏话 always liked to speak ill of me behind my back.
但又天天找我讨论工作 but he always discussed work with me every day.
那段时间我特别煎熬 During that time, I felt extremely stressed
既不想和他撕破脸,又忍不住在意他的评价 reluctant to confront him but unable to ignore his opinions.
后来我看到一句话你的时间和精力,值得花在值得的人身上 Later, I saw a quote: “Your time and energy are worth spending on people who are worthy.”
才下定决心慢慢疏远他 so I decided to slowly distance myself from him.
疏远不一定要争吵 Distancing doesn't have to involve conflict;
有时候冷淡处理效果更好 sometimes, being indifferent works better,
比如不秒回消息 like not replying immediately
婉拒不必要的邀约 and politely decline unnecessary invitations.
慢慢减少交集 and gradually reduce interaction.
大多数时候 Most of the time,
对方感受到你的态度 once they sense your attitude,
就会知趣的离开 they will leave discreetly.
但也有一些人,你越冷淡,他越纠缠,这时候就需要明确拒绝 But some people will cling even more if you’re distant; in that case, you need to refuse clearly.
不用找太多借口 Don't make too many excuses.
直接说我没时间 Just say I don't have time.
不方便有时候 It's inconvenient sometimes.
简单直接 simply and directly
反而比拐弯抹角更有效 being straightforward is more effective than beating around the bush
其实说到底 Ultimately
我们之所以在意这 we care about these people's opinions
些人的看法是因为内心深处渴望被认可 we care about these people’s opinions because deep down, we crave recognition.
但仔细想想 But think carefully
那些需要通过贬低别人来抬高自己的人,他们的认可又有什么价值呢 what value is the approval of those who need to belittle others to elevate themselves?
就像小时候玩游戏 Just like playing games when we were kids,
总有人耍赖 there are always people who cheat,
却指责别人犯规 but accuse others of breaking the rules.
你根本没必要和他争论规则 You don't need to argue with them about the rules,
因为真正重要的不是赢得他的认可 because what matters is not to win his approval,
而是守住自己的节奏 but to keep your own pace.
说到节奏 Speaking of pace
我想起一个比喻 here's a metaphor:
社交就像跳双人舞 Socializing is like dancing in a duet,
需要两个人配合 it requires two people to cooperate.
如果对方总踩你的脚 If the other person always steps on your feet
还怪你舞步不对 and blaming your steps
那不如独自起舞 It's better to dance alone.
反而更自在 you'll be more comfortable.
有位听众留言 A listener commented beautifully:
说的特别好"我不是人民币,做不到人人喜欢" It's very well said, "“I'm not currency; I can't be liked by everyone,
但我可以选择和谁同行 but I can choose who to walk with.
与其纠结那些看不起你的人 Instead of worrying about those who look down on you
为什么还联系你 why they still contact you,
不如把精力放在那些真正欣赏你 It's better to focus on those who really appreciate you
支持你的人身上 and support you.
是啊就像向日葵永远朝着太阳 Yes, just like sunflowers always facing the sun,
我们也该主动靠近 we should also take the initiative to approach
那些能给我们带来温暖和力量的人 Those who can bring us warmth and strength.
那些消耗你的关系 Those relationships that consume you
就像鞋里的沙子 are like sand in shoes.
及时倒出来 you need to shake it out in time
才能走的更远 to go further.
可能还有人会担心 Some people may worry that
拒绝别人会不会显得自己不合群 refusing others will make them seem unfriendly.
其实,合群不是和所有人都搞好关系 n fact, being socially aligned doesn't mean getting along with everyone
而是找到和自己同频的人 it means finding people on your wavelength.
同频就是频率相同这里指兴趣价值观相似 Being on the same wavelength means having similar interests and values.
我大学时 When I was in college,
总觉得要和班里每个人都处好关系 I always felt like I had to get along with everyone.
所以经常参加不想去的聚会 So I often attended parties I didn't want to go to,
帮别人做不情愿的事 and help others with things I didn't want to do.
后来发现 Later, I found that
真正和我成为朋友的 the ones who really became my friends
反而是那些我敢于说不的人 were those I dared to say no to.
因为他们尊重我的边界 Because they respected my boundaries
也珍惜我的付出 and cherish my efforts.
这让我想起一句话好的关系 This reminds me of a saying that a good relationship
是让人在其中可以舒服的做自己 is that people can be themselves comfortably.
如果在一段关系里 If in a relationship,
你总需要伪装妥协 you always need to pretend and compromise,
那一定不是对的关系 then it's definitely not the right relationship.
说到伪装 Speaking of disguise,
很多人在社交中会刻意讨好别人 many people deliberately please others in socializing,
怕被讨厌 for fear of being hated.
其实真正的被讨厌 In fact, the real being hated
往往是从失去自我开始的 often starts with losing yourself.
就像你为了迎合别人 Just like you try to please others
穿不合脚的鞋 wear shoes that don't fit,
最后脚磨破了 and your feet are worn out.
别人也不会在意 and others won't care.
我们之前聊了很多应对方法 We have talked about many coping methods before.
但最根本的还是要建立自我价值感 but the most fundamental thing is to establish self-worth.
就是清楚自己的价值 which is to know your own value,
不需要通过别人的评价来证明自己 without needing to prove yourself through others' evaluations.
就像钻石 Just like diamonds,
不会因为别人说它是石头就失去光泽 doesn't lose its luster just because others say it's a stone.
你的价值 Your value
也不该由那些看不起你的人来定义 should not be defined by those who look down on you.
有位心理学家说过 A psychologist once said that
你的自我认知就是你世界的边界 your self-perception is the boundary of your world.
当你足够认可自己 When you recognize yourself enough,
那些点滴和轻视就像一阵风 Those slights and contempts are like a gust of wind.
吹过就散了 blow away.
不会留下痕迹 and leave no trace.
其实回过头看 In fact, looking back,
那些看不起你 those who look down on you
却频繁联系你的人也是一面镜子 but frequently contact you, are also a mirror.
他们照出的不是你的缺点 They reflect not your shortcomings,
而是他们的狭隘和自卑 but their narrow-mindedness and inferiority complex.
就像有人说你这衣服不好看 If someone says your clothes are not nice,
可能不是衣服真的不好看 it's not that the clothes are really ugly,
而是他买不起类似款式 but that he can't afford a similar style.
有人说你太较真了 Someone says you are too serious.
可能不是你较真 it's not that you are too serious,
而是他习惯了敷衍 it’s that they're used to being careless.
所以与其因为他们的话生气 So instead of getting angry at their words,
不如当成一种提醒 take it as a reminder
提醒你不要成为和他们一样的人 remind you not to become like them.
提醒你要更珍惜那些真诚待你的人 remind you to cherish those who treat you sincerely.
时间过得很快 Time flies so fast.
今天我们又聊了很多关于看不起你,却频繁联系的深层原因和应对方式 Today we talked a lot about the deep reasons and coping methods for looking down on you but contacting you frequently
希望这些分享 I hope these sharing
能让大家更清醒的看待身边的关系 can make you more aware of your relationships.
如果你有不同的经历或想法 If you have different experiences or ideas,
欢迎在评论区留言 please leave a comment in the comment section
和我们一起讨论 and discuss with us.
感谢收听今天的Mandarin talks Thank you for listening to today's Mandarin Talks.
我们下次再见 See you next time.
再见 Goodbye.
Browse all lessons · Back to the studio · Video: watch on YouTube